Bingeing – The Struggle is Real

Sometimes I get this nervous feeling inside. My mind begins to think of grabbing ANY food, usually a craving type vice. Chips, cookies, icecream, peanut butter. Doesn’t matter. I’m not hungry. My brain is telling me to eat.

I didn’t know that this was a problem in my past. I believed that I ate like that because I was hungry. Not because I had an eating disorder.

Denial

When my doctor diagnosed me 2 years ago, I was in denial. I didn’t have an eating disorder. I liked to eat. I ate when I wanted to eat and wasn’t ashamed. I ate when normal people ate. Breakfast. Lunch. Dinner. Oh, and then the evening snack of course.

I eat when I am at parties. I eat when I’m out with friends. Don’t all friends go out to dinner and eat and drink in excess? That’s normal, right?!

I eat when I go to the movies. I mean come on…popcorn and candy bars are part of the whole experience. It doesn’t matter that you just got finished eating dinner out not more than 30 minutes before. It’s part of the dating process after all.

I eat when I’m happy. I eat when I’m sad. I eat because everyone else is eating. I eat when I’m drinking. I eat when I’m relaxing. I eat when I shop at Sam’s on a Saturday morning. I eat when I’m hungry. I eat when I’m full.

Holidays and family get togethers are all about the food. What are you bringing for your side dish? Then tasting everyone else’s dish.

I eat when I’m with my family at a meal. I eat when I’m with my friends. I go out to eat with my husband. I eat when I’m alone.

Opening My Eyes

My 50 year check up opened my eyes. I knew that I was chubby. But other than that, I was in pretty good shape I thought. No diabetes. No heart problems. Nothing new to add to my medical history.

My petite little doctor lady had the nerve to tell me that I was OBESE, borderline morbid obese. I was not happy to say the least. Embarrassed and in shock, I lashed out and told her that no one has ever said that to me. I didn’t say it in a sweet, surprised way. I said it in a pissed off, how dare you kind of way.

After a series of questions she diagnosed me with an eating disorder. Binge Eater. And she wanted me to talk to a counselor about my disorder. I could NOT believe it. I did not agree with her. I didn’t have a problem. I liked to eat and I wasn’t hiding my eating. So why would she even think that?

What Is Binge Eating?

Behavioral and emotional signs and symptoms of binge–eating disorder include: Eating unusually large amounts of food in a specific amount of time, such as over a two-hour period. Feeling that your eating behavior is out of control. … Feeling depressed, disgusted, ashamed, guilty or upset about your eating

My Journey to be Healthy

My life as I knew it changed that day. I began my weightloss journey thanks to a doctor that truly cared about my health. I am down almost 80 pounds since then. WOW! That is like the average size of a 7th grader! See My Keto Journey here.

It took me a lot longer to accept and deal with my bingeing. I didn’t believe that I had a problem. But after researching what a binge eater was and what bingeing is, I have come to the realization that my doctor was right.

What Bingeing is Like For Me

Because of my weight management now, my binge eating doesn’t happen often. But when it does, I know it is happening and I try to use skills to get through it. Skills that I have developed on my own. These are the times that I wish I’d listened to my doctor and gotten help. Someone to talk to and give me guidance on how to make it through a binge.

Until the bingeing feelings pass, I pace and talk to myself. My heart rate increases. My mind is telling me to eat. Now. Fast. Hurry. I try to stay in control. I tell myself, “here it comes, eat something good for you at least.” It is almost like a panic. This is my addiction. Food is my drug.

I don’t even remember what I ate or how much. It is so bad that I dont WANT to remember. It was too much. Did I taste it? Did I talk outloud to myself the whole time? Am I crazy?

My stomach hurts. My head hurts. I’m sad. I’m disappointed with myself. I’m struggling to get control. I’m hiding. I’m ashamed.

As my thoughts become clearer. I calm down. I take in what just happened. I acknowledge to MYSELF that I do have an eating disorder. I am not crazy. I will work on getting stronger. I will work on being more prepared the next time. I will be ok. ~ Susie Pea

Reading Up on Bingeing Eating Disorder

Here are a few articles and posts about how to manage bingeing episodes. How to Stop Yourself in the Middle of a Binge by @karidahlgren.net. How to Recover from a Binge Eating Episode by @ownitbabe.ca. How I Finally Stopped Binge Eating by @ariellevolve.com. I am planning on taking the time to read these and help myself get better, healthier in my head. If you are having some of these same types of feelings and symptoms, talk to your doctor. Happy, healthy eating my friends.

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